Thread: Bar joke

A guy walks into a bar and sees a sign hanging over the bar which reads:


Cheese Sandwich: $1.50
Chicken Sandwich: $2.50
Hand Job: $5.00


Checking his wallet for the necessary payment, he walks up to the bar and beckons to one of the three exceptionally attractive blonds serving drinks to an eager-looking group of men.


"Yes?" she enquires with a knowing smile, "Can I help you?"


"I was wondering", whispers the man, "are you the one who gives the hand-jobs?"


"Yes" she purrs "I am."


The man replies "Well wash your fucking hands, I want a cheese sandwich!"

A friend just started his own business in Afghanistan.

He's making land mines that look like prayer mats.

It's doing well.

He says prophets are going through the roof.

Had a little problem at the grocery store today.

Apparently when the cashier said "strip down,": she was talking about my debit card.

Three little ducks go into a Bar......

'Say, what's your name?' the bartender asked the first duck.

'Huey,' was the reply.

'How's your day been, Huey?'

'Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day. What else could a duck want?' said Huey.

'Oh. That's nice,' said the bartender.
He turned to the second duck, 'Hi, and what's your name?'

'Dewey,' came the answer from duck number two.

'So how's your day been, Dewey! ?' he asked.

'Great. Lovely day. I've had a ball too. Been in and out of puddles all day myself. What else could a duck want?'


The bartender turned to the third duck and said,
'So, you must be Louie?'


'No,' she said, batting her eyelashes.

'My name is Puddles..'

Duck walks into a bar and yells "Hey, how 'bout a beer!"

The bartender drops the glass he's drying and exclaims, "holy shit, a talking duck!"

"Yeah, yeah," says the duck, "Don't make a big deal out of it. Just bring me a beer."

The bartender brings over a beer and says "You know, you could make a shitload of money at the circus."

The duck takes a gulp and says "What the fuck does the circus need a welder for?"

A Newfie was standing at a bar and a beautiful woman was beside him so he leans over and says,

"You remind me of my little toe"

She replies, "What? You Mean I'm small and cute?"

He says, "No. I’ll probably bang you on the coffee table later when I'm drunk."

After bypass surgery, a patient says to his doctor, "Can I start having sex?"

The doctor replies, "Yes, but only with your wife, your heart is not yet ready for any excitement!!"

Guy walks into a bar and sits at a table. Tells the waitress, "I'll have a Bloody Mary and a menu."

When she returns with his drink, he asks "Still servin' breakfast?" When she says Yes, he replies, "Then I'll have two eggs-runny on top and burnt on the bottom, five strips of bacon ON END-well done on one end and still raw on the other, two pieces of burnt toast and a cold cup of coffee."

Indignantly the waitress says, "We don't serve that kinda stuff in here!"

Guy says, "Funny... that's what I had in here yesterday..."

------------

Three guys are drinking in a bar when a drunk comes in, staggers up to them, and points at the guy in the middle, shouting, "Your mom's the best sex in town!"Everyone expects a fight, but the guy ignores him, so the drunk wanders off and bellies up to the bar at the far end.Ten minutes later, the drunk comes back, points at the same guy, and says, "I just did your mom, and it was sw-e-et!"Again the guy refuses to take the bait, and the drunk goes back to the far end of the bar.Ten minutes later, he comes back and announces, "Your mom liked it!"Finally the guy interrupts. "Go home, Dad, you're drunk!"

--------------

An Irishman walks into a bar, and tells the bartender "I'll have three rounds, all at once." So the bartender gets his order but says to the man "Sir, you'd enjoy them better sir if I served them to you one at a time." The Irishman replies "No, its a tradition. Back in Dublin, my brothers and I would all go to the pub and have a round together. I moved over here a few years ago but I still keep the tradition." Touched by the story, the bartender served the rounds, and went about his business. The Irishman returned for several nights. One night, the Irishman comes in and only orders two rounds.
The bartender shaken, asks "what happened? Did one of your brothers die? "The Irishman laughed and replied, "No, I quit drinking!"

A woman walks into a bar and asks the barman for a double entendre. So he gave her one.

-------

A hunting dog walks into a bar and the bartender says, “Sorry, we don’t serve hunting dogs here,” and the hunting dog says, “That’s okay, I don’t drink. I’m just here to pick up a bird.”

-------

A termite walks into a bar and says, “Is the bar tender here?”

-------

An old-fashioned typewriter walks into a bar and says I’d like to set up a tab.

-------

Q: Why does drinking too much alcohol in your teens lead to memory loss?

A: Why does drinking too much alcohol in your teens lead to memory loss?

-------

Q: What do you call a daiquiri made with precisely two-and-a-half eggs?

A: Eggs-daiquiri.

-------

A man walks into a bar and is immediately disqualified from the World Limbo Championships.

-------

Q: How many binge-drinkers does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: Four. Three to change the lightbulb and one to vomit on your shoes.

-------

A three-legged dog walks into a bar and says, “I’m looking for the man who shot my paw.”

-------

F1, F2, F3, F4, F5, F6, F7, F8, F9, F10, F11 and F12 walk into a bar and the barman says, “Sorry, we don’t cater for functions.”